A few thoughts

Phil's coming home. Right. Now. He's on a bus and soon he'll be in the car, and he should be here this afternoon, in time for play and dinner and bath (since I'm now letting myself off the hook for these until, like, 2020). And it's great. Here's the welcome home poster the kids made him:



I have to give credit to Jamie (nanny) for her help with this. I'm sure you can glean who was responsible for which portions. Cleveland did some very expert scribbling in one corner, and when I asked what he wrote, he pointed to a section and said "This says 'Welcome Home Papa!', and this part says 'Now go to work papa!'". Ha.

I've been on a bit of a cleaning frenzy this week, and a little pre-nesting frenzy, as well. Had a friend help me move some furniture around for baby, and bought and set up a pack n' play, washed a bunch of baby clothes, and then washed some cloth diapers I bought on EBay (oops!). things are getting put away, as best you can put away when you know you'll just be packing up again a few weeks after you get it set up. The blessing in disguise of the day, which probably accounts for 75% of my joy is that I think I broke the vacuum (just a little bit, but enough that I'm not gonna try to fix it). So...I guess clean-up is done. Time to hang the poster, hang with the kids, and enjoy reunion day!

I also have to celebrate occasionally feeling beautiful in the third trimester. I did get my hair done yesterday, so yea, that helps. Happy 34 weeks to me et bébé! (the kids still think my outie belly button IS the baby...boy are they in for a surprise):

What a difference...

...a few days make. In my last post, I gave our projected timeline of events, beginning with my going out on maternity March 22. As it turns out, here it is February 21, and I've been home for a week now. At my appointment last Friday, my provider strongly recommended I begin my leave this week, over some concerns around fetal growth. She also took one look at my wan, exhausted face and recognized a woman who just needed a break. And citing my exhaustion (and complaints of an 'irritable uterus'), she ordered me for general rest, effective immediately. This news was surprising, overwhelming, and, ultimately, a complete relief. The baby is fine by the way.

The last three weeks that have truly tested me, as a mother, spouse, friend, and colleague. I totally started phoning it in at work, found myself irritable with my kids, a complete basket-case with friends, and a supportive, though tearful and somewhat irrational wife when Phil and I were able to talk (which has been infrequent, to say the least). And while the sudden news that I would be staying home with my kids instead of heading to work everyday brings its own set of challenges, this first week has only reinforced for me my desire to continue as an at-home mama once we move. Granted I haven't been totally work-free (I did go in on Tuesday and Thursday for some transitional meetings, and to clean out my desk...of all the snacks I had hoarded in it). And I still have two emails to send, and one document to finish up, but I am, effectively, done.

I'm not deluded into thinking that being at home full-time will be a walk in the park. I know plenty of at-home parents who acknowledge that having some scheduled 'time away' at least weekly (even if it came in the form of a job) would feel like a gift. And I have appreciated and enjoyed the hybrid-parental role I've assumed since we've lived here. But when I took this job one year ago, I went from working part-time off-hours (which afforded me ample kid-time), to a regular M-F gig, which usurped my energy and focus away from them (not to mention an obscene amount of money to afford the full-time childcare we suddenly required).

I hadn't anticipated how much my job satisfaction would be affected by how dissatisfying my home life began to feel. Everything was a chore, and I was always rushing and always late and always cranky and hungry and oh-so-tired and spent so much time thinking about work and myself that I felt I hardly noticed my kids until they started acting like demons, presumably so someone would pay attention to them. I went from feeling like work was a choice I was making to feeling powerless and enslaved by circumstances beyond my control. I felt resentment and jealousy towards my at-home parent friends whose lives I perceived to be 'easier', and who didn't have to accomplish half a day's work before 7:30am. I was even jealous of our nanny at times, when she would send me pictures of my kids playing in the park, and I realized that, more than seeing them enjoying themselves, I wanted to be the one who got to take them, and experience that joy first-hand.

Phil was well aware of my discontent, and we often talked about how, even in less than ideal circumstances, one's frame of mind is the largest determinant of happiness. That is, if I could just enjoy the time I did get, and be generally less of a grump (glass half-full business), things would be better. He was right. A lot right. A Whole Lot Right. My life was not the most challenging on the planet, and the pleasures didn't need to feel so few and far between. And I didn't know how to get out of that funk without help.

One week ago, a little gift of help floated down for me. It's one of many, I now realize. The truth is, the world has been endlessly kind and patient towards me. My friends have always supported and never judged (at least not out loud), and when Phil and I spoke last Friday, he told me that was so happy for me to stop working, because he now truly believes it's what I want (and that I'm not just having an extended grass-is-always-greener moment. I've been known to do that.)

These are gifts, right? Right. For that, the only thing left to say is 'Thank you'.

Getting Back on Track

Since it’s been nearly two years since I last posted here, on a blog that I only ever kept active for one year, I figure it’s time to get going again. The reasons I started the blog were simple; I had things to say, and I thought they were worth sharing, and that somebody would want to read them. The reasons I stopped were simpler: I switched my hours at work, seriously limiting my time to write, and babies and other commitments just became one long excuse to forgo it. I planned to return at the one-year anniversary of my hiatus, but that came and went as I applied for a new position, started it, and life seemed to get more complicated and busy.

But I’m back. Today. It’s February 10, 2013 and I’ve returned. It’s not because things have slowed down and I suddenly find myself with the time I’ve been missing. In fact it’s quite the opposite (see below). But now, of all times, the blog itch has returned. I’ve tried to put it away, but it’s been nagging me for several weeks. So I figured it was a sign that I had something to say again. Or at least that writing would prove valuable to me, if not to those who might read this.

So consider this the great update post. Things have changed since February, 2011. I did run the marathon (I was training in my last post). It was remarkable to actually accomplish it, great fun to train with my good friend, and exciting to share the experience with my husband. And maybe I’ll do it again…maybe. I’ve run some other short races since then, and I’m definitely game for a ½ marathon at some point. But at the moment…

Cleveland is 4 ½, and I officially can’t remember my life before he was born. He’s the embodiment of a little superhero. Mild-mannered, astute, intuitive, and genuinely kind. Also he has web shooters in his hands and complete command over his force-field.

Lucie turned 3 last month. She’s a big girl (she’s known this for some time), though I would emphasize the girl more than the big. While still enjoying several pursuits of her brother’s (cars, trucks, trains and blocks), her interests have begun to diverge, and princess costumes often replace superhero capes. She’s verbose and cute and also could teach a seminar on dawdling.

Phil will graduate medical school in May. After that we’re heading to San Diego for him to begin residency in Internal Medicine at Balboa Naval Medical Center (because he’s on a Navy scholarship…did I ever write that in the blog?…I don’t know…well, he is, and so we are). He’s traveled for 3 months out of the past 11. In March/April, 2012, he was in Rhode Island for Officer Training, then last October he was in San Diego doing a rotation in radiology, and he’s currently in Honduras doing a tropical medicine rotation. The experience of having him be away for semi-extended periods definitely deserves its own post, so let’s table that.

Personally, I took a non-nursing but still health-care related job about a year ago. It turned our lives around, since I began working regular hours and full-time, instead of part-time evenings nursing. We went through several iterations of child-care, before deciding on a hybrid model of 2 days/week in daycare (we call it preschool – roll with it), and 3 days/week at home with a nanny. This has been challenging; The working and mommying and supporting med-student/naval officer spouse. (I mean, let’s face it; motherhood is challenging, however you classify the work that you do, and however much you do or do not get paid to do it.) That being said, I’m ready to wrap up this part of my life/career and spend some time at home with the kids. And the timing works well, since as it happens I’m 32 weeks pregnant with baby number 3. Hip hip hooray! Yes, we did plan it this way (despite the, how shall I say, challenging timing). No we don’t know if it’s a boy or girl, and no we haven’t picked out names. Yes I look as swollen and plump as a women who might have her baby tomorrow, and no, that won’t happen, so no need to question me when I say I’m due in early April. I didn’t misspeak. I know how to count to 40.

So the grand plan is something like this:
-Work for another 6 weeks.
-Maternity leave begins on March 22nd
-Plan for the move/pack/figure out how to be a military spouse (I think there are rules involved) during this time, as well.
-Have baby. (Don’t come early baby, no seriously, I need those two weeks of maternity leave before you come to get things done. Also if you’re born more than two weeks early, we’ll have to COBRA our benefits for the month of May...)
-Find a place to live. One that’s ‘affordable’ in the way only San Diego housing can be.
-Enjoy baby (Phil is taking April as a paternity month, which is amazing, since he took less than one week off after Cleveland was born, and less than one day off with Lucie, which is to say, he missed an exam).
-Get Phil through the end of school, graduation (5/19), and the Vermont City Marathon (5/26 - because, you know, he wants to run again, and why not?)
-Pack the presumptive moving truck.
-Say goodbye to Phil when he hits the road to drive to CA (around 5/28)
-Get on a plane, with C, L and new baby, and my mom (PS-we bought our tickets!!)
-Thrive in a new city on a new coast in a state I’ve never seen with weather I don’t believe exists.

The journey continues. It’s good to be sharing it again.