an addendum

***warning: explicit post***

so i bought a new sports bra.

wow, the things i learned. i said to the clerk, 'i'm looking for a sports bra. it needs to be supportive. very supportive. now that i'm a runner, i need some serious support. however, i also want to be able to nurse my daughter after the race, so easy in/out would also be nice. not paramount. just nice.'

'i'll see what i can do', was the reply. 'what size are you?'

i thought i was a 36D. i was wrong. after trying on 5 different bras i found that they all left a gap under my bosom (ahh, the dreaded gap that leaves unnecessary room for the ladies to escape at inopportune moments). turns out i'm a 32DD! Say what? this is a size?? yes, the sales clerk assured me. this is, indeed a size. 'see, it's here on our chart', she told me. well, being on the chart and being in the store are two different things. turns out 32DDis not a size that is routinely carried by sports bra companies. that is to say, they are rarely made and even less frequently in stock. so scratch that. the next best thing was, naturally, the 34DD.

There were exactly four in that size in the store. Next thing I know, there they are, all in the dressing room, just staring at me, daring me to shovel and scoop my floppy, ample self into them. i turned to my sister and shopping partner and said 'i hope this is like wedding dress shopping. i hope i just put on one and i know it's the one'. i took a deep breath. she assisted me into the first.

it felt like a straight jacket. worse, it looked like a straight jacket. it was not the one. the second one, i'm certain, was a knock-off of a bra worn by Madonna in her 'Vogue' video. needless to say...no. number three was equally unattractive. all rigid nylon with a mesh overlay. it did have some periwinkle piping, i guess to make me feel a little feminine. the clerk assured me that this was her favorite bra. 'i own three of these. they're not pretty, but they're so supportive. and they're redesigned to be easier to get on/off. see this clasp? you undo it to put it on and then cinch it in afterward' no, it was not pretty. even hannibal lector couldn't pull this off. whatever. i tried it on. my sister helped me fiddle with the clasp in the back. and i shoveled and i scooped and eventually everything was in place.

then i jumped and i skipped and i ran. arms up, arms down. wow! very little bounce. snug but not dreadful. i undid the clasp, and, voila, i popped my boob out so fast. this would make feeding lucie post-race a breeze! i was sold.

so i bought a new sports bra.

and the price for this kind of front-sided nirvana? $57. 00. yes, you read that right. my life as a well-endowed super-stellar athlete ain't cheap.

pride

i did it! today i ran 5.8 miles. this is my target distance. yippee!

here's how i'm feeling:

i have a big blister on my left ankle, but i taped it and it was fine. stung in the shower, but ok otherwise.
i have a small strange pain on the top of my right foot. upon closer inspection it appears this is something like a stage I pressure ulcer. it hurts! i may need new shoes.
my knees are sore.
i definitely need a better sports bra. way better. the girls are all over the place. i really had no idea until i caught a glimpse of myself in The Block Gallery window in Winooski. they were making figure eights around my chest. it was like they were running in their own relay. it was ridiculous.

sick day

lucie's sick. not super-duper sick. just has-a-cough-and-keeps-spitting-up-mucus sick. the kind of sick that makes you rise at 1:30am to change bed linens, then jump in the shower with her to loosen up her chest. in any case, at 1:48am i realized we'd be home today, so i called out of work (so nice to work at a place that you can call at 1:48am and actually talk to people).

cleveland went to daycare, so it's a mommy-daughter day, though she seems content to sleep through most of it. this is giving me time to update quicken (really, i know), bake a cake (mexican chocolate), and get back to the blog. hurray. some updates:

a while back i signed up to run in the burlington city marathon on a relay team. phil got me on, as it's affiliated with the med school. recently learned that i'm running the 2nd of 5 legs and that my team is made up of all post-partum women (i think everyone's had a baby within the last 18 months - some of us, two!). let me remind you that 1) i'm just four months post-partum, 2) i agreed to run in this before lucie was born, when i was so uncomfortable and delusional that i might have agreed to an ironman if it offered an expeditious delivery, 3) i'd never run more than three miles prior to training, 4) 'training' (a term used lightly) consists of maybe running (another term used lightly) 3 times/week depending on schedules (phil is running the 1/2 marathon so he needs training time, too), and 5) my leg is 5.8 miles down and out the beltway. this is actually a good leg for me because it's very flat. this is actually a bad leg for me b/c it's a lot of pavement pounding, there's no shade, it's pretty boring, and it's 5.8 miles (see distance limitations above). in general when it comes to running (and by running i mean any athletic pursuit) my enthusiasm is about as long as my stride. i'm not very confident. i don't think i look cute in shorts. really, there's not much going for me. however, saturday i did 4.5 miles and, frankly, it wasn't too bad. as i was in the last mile, i realized that, i really could keep running. and suddenly, i'm not scared that i won't finish. and our neighbor is going to be watching our kids downtown, so i'll get to see their smiling faces when i finish. and since phil and i are running different legs, we agreed that we'd meet and run the final mile of the course together, just so we can cross the finish line. thinking of all that as i was running brought tears to my eyes, which is dangerous because tearing up while running makes it difficult to see, and sobbing makes it impossible to breathe. but i'm beginning to get excited. really excited.

other news: phil gave cleveland a haircut.


cleveland sat still for a total of 35 minutes and it looks great. i don't know whether to be more impressed with phil's scissor skills or cleveland's patience.

lucie thinks cleveland is the funniest thing around.

he's the only person who can consistently get a belly laugh out of her. i feel like they already love each other, and it warms my marathon relay-strenthened heart.

also lucie's cute:


and yesterday, cleveland sat down to eat lunch, took one bite, and when i asked if he thought it was good, turned to me and said, 'oooooh, ahhhh, mama!'

babes in arms

cleveland weighs 27.8 lbs. lucie 16. that's a combined total of 43.8 lbs. so yesterday i carried 43.8 lbs up and down the steps at least 10 times. really. you see, cleveland is now capable of going down the steps by himself. he does not, however, seem to be able to do it in a safe or timely manner. instead, he makes his way down the top two or three, only to pause and turn and sit down. maybe clap. maybe whine. not safe. and i find myself hauling up their to pluck him from his perch frequently. and if i'm holding lucie, well...strong mama. tired, but strong.

my body, myself

i ran three and one-quarter miles today. i'm proud of this. not just because it's farther then i've run in years, and not just because it's one of only a handful of times i've run that far. today, i'm proud of my body.

i don't give my body much credit. for years now, our relationship has been stymied by my excessive expectations, my desire for perfection, my unrelenting need to nitpick my physique. from a young age, i can remember feeling conscious of my body, and self-conscious in it. a jump-started puberty and rather agressive eyebrow growth did nothing to improve my morale. I was not athletically inclined and so fell away from organized sports after middle-school. a breif stint on the crew team in college ended badly, and aside from a few failed attempts to become a 'hiker' or a 'biker' or a 'skier', i've generally just shied away.

pregnancy changed our relationship somewhat. i felt a desire and entitlement to take care of my body in a way i had not before. after all, there were other bodies at stake. labor and delivery only enhanced this, and i swelled with pride for having navigated through drug-free deliveries of two big healthy babies.

as i continue to nurse lucie, i recognize that my body is myself, yet it remains apart from me. it no longer belongs to just me. i'm 'on demand'. but i can't let that turn inward, turning me against myself. my body was instrumental in the creation of two beautiful people. they are in large part happy and healthy because of me. and i deserve to be happy and healthy for it.

i ran three and one-quarter miles today. and i could've run farther. i could've kept running.